Preschool transitions......

have been the story of my life for weeks now. I am exhausted, exhilarated, anxious, happy, worried, sad, glad, proud, tired and in love all at once. My heart and brain are working overtime through this adjustment.

I have felt very isolated from my friends during this time. I have been preoccupied with making positive family changes and I haven't been able to TALK about any of it because L is always with me! Many of my friends would ask how it's going and I would have to give a non-answer because I didn't want to speak freely about how frustrated or worried or whatever I was feeling in front of L. Thanks for all of your support through this change. I know I didn't see it coming and I still can't believe we are out of co-op and onto private school. I hardly let myself think of the 12 hours per week I will have TO MYSELF. Speaking of that, I may be doing more contract legal work again soon. Good timing! But, I am getting ahead of myself here.........

So, what precipitated this sea change? Well, L has been very volatile, aggressive and unhappy this fall and our preschool was not working out for him, so I made a huge change and we switched preschools. After attending with him for the first couple of weeks I decided he wouldn't really engage fully with the other kids and activities unless I wasn't there (he clung by my side constantly while I was there and he would only engage if I watched or participated myself).

I hardly slept last night because today was the day we were pushing it, dropping him off, and I wouldn't be called back, even if he cried for me. As today approached I knew in my heart he could be happy there without me, but I doubted my judgment that he was truly ready. I vacillated between confidence and doubt minute by minute. Poor MP! He had to hear ad naseum all of my rationales for all of my opposing ideas. He has been extremely supportive through this change.

L cried on and off throughout the morning as we got ready for our day. He would cry and say he didn't want to go and we would remind him that he was capable and we knew he could do it. We used encouragement and explanations, telling him it would be hard, but his feelings would change eventually and that with time, it would get easier. Our mantra was "we know you can do this, L. We believe in you and we wouldn't do this if we didn't think you were ready." Throughout the morning he would stop crying very quickly and move on--I thought this was a good sign.

I mean it all makes sense: Of course he is sad--he hasn't ever been away from us except to stay with close friends for a few hours. Of course he feels strong feelings that scare him--it's normal to want to be with your mom (especially when your mom is wonderful ME). All of the reasons make sense, but my heart still ached and my chest felt tight and I was on the verge of tears (I have been extra emotional for weeks). I believe I did very well and hid my ambivalence quite nicely. Because, deep down I am not ambivalent. I am very ready for a break from him. I am confident that he will grow very capable and independent IF WE GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO BE ON HIS OWN. Deep down I understand that we rob our kids of feeling capable if we do difficult things for them. Now, a little voice in my head kept saying, "what if this all turns out to be a huge mistake...think how bad you will feel that you put him through something he wasn't ready for." That little voice is quieter now!

MP kept telling me that we won't know if he is capable unless we give it a whirl. So, we took him together and we dropped him off. MP walked to work from there and I drove to C's school to volunteer. They had enough volunteers today, so I came home and was extremely productive for two hours: dishes, vacuuming, laundry, phone calls, email, walked Abbey the dog, breathed in and out, you know, the regular stuff! I even locked myself out of the house when I took the compost out. Oops! Adrenaline rush! But, I found my hide-a-key and made it back inside with time to spare before having to pick L up.

He was just fine when I picked him up. He had been very upset, screaming and crying, on and off throughout his time there, but he came out of it each time and calmed down for significant periods of time. The teachers gave him a digital alarm to put in his pocket, set to the time when I would return: brilliant! It worked. He did it! I did it! He has been extremely pleasant all day since then and I can tell he knows he did it, by himself, without me there! What an accomplishment! Especially for L, who usually gives up at the first slight irritation or obstacle. It's his temperament to be impatient and we are working on it. I think this success today will build his confidence in his abilities quite nicely. He even told me liked one of the kids--Zoe--and those of you who know L know that he typically only talks about who he doesn't like. Whew!